Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
