we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
