I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
