3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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