There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
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