I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
