I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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