At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
