Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
