The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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