who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
