I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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