If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
