dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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