Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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