Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
