FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
