Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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