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I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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