Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
