clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
