I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
