I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
