I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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