What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
