Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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