need another drink. this is the easiest way
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
