i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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