we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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