You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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