The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
