hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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