were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Randomize
