Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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