1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
