My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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