Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
