I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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