STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
