You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
