I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
