We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
