Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
