Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
