I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
