I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
