my phone needs a breathalizer
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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