This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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