are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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