u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
