I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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