He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
